Life is so strange! Human Beings are weird! How very complicated
I am...
I'm afraid of suffering. I fear seeing those I love suffering.
I have that fear and always had. I recognize that I am better: I improved over
the years ... and with therapy ... But this inner fear doesn’t fully go away. And
it hurts! I still suffer deeply witnessing situations of illness or when I need
to deal with the negative effects of aging within the family. But who can be
immune to this pain? ...
These fear flashes are less intense now and last for
far shorter periods, but I still worry because I understand I'll have to live
with this forever. That’s one of my weaknesses. It’s here. Nothing removes it.
I must live with it. I need to accept it and keep on learning how to cope with
this trait.
I feel petrified with the anticipation of the disease,
of suffering, of decay... How to be indifferent to human frailty? How to deal
with the impotence of not being able to prevent the disappearance of loved ones?
How to live with the physical and mental decline of those who are emotionally
close to us?
I was (am) a hypochondriac. I imagined diseases that
did not exist, I was unable to confirm the timely discovery of real diseases, I
had to face large losses, I followed closely long and difficult treatment
processes that resemble torture ... and I survived. Despite the scars, today I’m
a stronger woman. I'm different (for the better, I hope)! However, I realize
that I am more sensitive. What was once fear (usually unjustified), it’s now
sensitivity. I shudder when I identify the signs; I get emotional looking at
decrepitude. Because I've witnessed the end. And it was hard. Very hard. And I find
it difficult to see pain. I suffer to watch the suffering of loved ones.
Nevertheless, now I live the present. I enjoy the small
moments; I delight on their simplicity and let the pleasure of experiencing
them invade me. Today I fully enjoy the moments I spend with “my own”. Without thinking about
tomorrow, avoiding fear’s traps. It’s an on-going exercise, a lifelong
commitment on (self) learning.
Days are all different. I know that nothing lasts
forever. I know we can’t always be well. I know there are happy days and there
are bad days (sad and gloomy). Pain and suffering may appear, you never know
when and you can never be prepared. Therefore, the "here and now" must be lived and celebrated.
Maria
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